of soap operas and judgment day
by Vanus Empty
Summary: Or how Deanna Winchester saves the world with her new Dr Sexy, MD DVD boxsets. Genderswap, gen, crack.
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** of soap operas and judgment day  
**Series:** "Supernatural"  
**Disclaimer: **Eric Kripke owns, yessir  
**Warnings:** General season five spoilers. 5.8 specifically. Gender-swap.  
**Character(s)/Pairing(s):** Dean(na), Sam – mentions of others.  
**Rating:** PG13.  
**Other:** yea, idk. Plot bunnies, away! I dub this CRACK. Bad crack, maybe.

* * *

When Sam enters their shared motel room, he nearly walks right back out when he catches sight of what's playing on TV. It's a new episode of _Dr. Sexy, MD_ and his sister is sitting cross-legged on her bed, face vacant and her mouth slightly open. He grimaces and asks her, "You're not going to make weird sounds again, are you?"

"Shh!" Deanna hisses at him, leaning forwards a little when Dr Sexy turns to one of the nurses. Sam's too busy rolling his eyes to catch what the character is saying, but Deanna inhales a sharp gasp and her eyes go glassy.

It takes him a moment to realize she's on the verge of tears. Jesus Christ, his sister could go through the fucking End of Days without crying, but once her attention is drawn to Dr Sexy, his super-bad big sister goes out the window to be replaced with a hormonal, soap opera watching big sister.

"You're like a stereotype," he informs her because she's in her pajamas in the middle of the day, single and in her thirties watching soap operas when she could be out having a life. Well, as much as one fighting _Satan_ could allow.

Deanna ignores him, of course, and bursts into mild hysterics when the pretty doctor who had slapped him when the two were in Gabriel's little TV land tells Dr Sexy she is pregnant.

"You gonna be okay?" Sam asks, more to be a bitch because he knows it pisses her off when he talks when _Dr Sexy_ is on than out of actual concern. It's fun, baiting her.

Deanna reaches behind her blindly, not once taking her eyes off of the TV, and hurls a pillow at Sam's face. It misses, but it skims off the side of his head. Deanna would label that a victory, but she's already ignoring him again.

So Sam just sighs, picks up the pillow and tosses it back onto Deanna's bed. He sits down on his own and watches the TV with her, just to see what the fuss was about.

Thirty two minutes later – because Sam had missed the first fifteen-ish and he knows he'll be looking up the episode online later – he realizes that _maybe_ there was something to this show after all. Even if the cowboy boots are just embarrassing.

Deanna wipes at her eyes when the credits come on and inhales deeply. "I hope this ends up like _General Hospital_ with their twelve thousand episodes and never ending!" She turns to Sam, eyes bright. "Maybe we could stick Lucifer in a holy oil circle and make him watch this? He'd never want to destroy the world, just to see if Dr Sexy is Dr Piccolo's baby's daddy."

Sam wants to laugh, he really does because it's so ridiculous, but he sort of thinks Deanna has a point. Deanna makes another incoherent sound that reminds him painfully of Becky and launches herself off the bed, scrambling towards Sam's laptop.

"Quick," she calls, "gimme your credit card!"

He fishes it out of his wallet, frowning at her, but he hands it over anyway. "Why?"

"They have a special going on – buy all four seasons of _Dr Sexy_ for the price of two!"

"And you're using my card why?"

Deanna pauses in her frantic typing, shifting her glance from the credit card to Sam. "You threw my DVDs out," she tells him, voice dangerously soft and Sam drops the subject 'cause, yea, he threw everything of Deanna's out when she died. He couldn't bear to look at anything of hers, which led to her shrieking at him for ten minutes when she found out and her spending three days wearing Missus Singer's dresses.

"Here." His sister tosses him her cell phone distractedly as she returns to ordering her boxsets. "Call Cas – tell him we have a plan!"

Sam scrolls through Deanna's contact lists. "He's going to think you're insane."

"Nah. He'll do that head tilty thing and I'll flash him and he'll go along with it." She wouldn't, not really because there are _lines_ and doing strip teases for semi-fallen angels were likely crossing them.

He decides to just roll with it because once Deanna is on a roll, you can't stop her and presses down on Castiel's number. Moments later, it picks up, Castiel's rough voice saying, "Yes, Deanna?"

"Ah, Castiel, it's Sam. Deanna says we have a plan – no, she's not going to say yes to Michael. No, I don't... look, she wants to make Lucifer watch her soaps." He pulls the phone back and frowns at it. "No, not her actual soap, her TV shows. Look, just – yea, just go with it."

Castiel's voice fades away as Sam listens to Deanna hum the _Dr Sexy_ theme song.

* * *

SHOOT ME, Y/Y?


	2. Chapter 2

**Title:** of soap operas and judgment day**  
Series:** "Supernatural"  
**Disclaimer: **Eric Kripke owns, yessir.**  
Warnings:** General season five spoilers. 5.8 specifically. Gender-swap.**  
Character(s)/Pairing(s):** Dean(na), Sam, Lucifer – brief Bobby and Castiel.  
**Rating:** PG13.  
**Other:** yea, idk. Plot bunnies, away! I dub this CRACK. Bad crack, maybe.

* * *

This is Hell, Sam realizes with sudden clarity. _Somehow, I have died and this is Hell_. No wonder Deanna was messed up.

It had been shockingly simple. They'd laid the trap in the panic room at Bobby's. Sam summoned Lucifer himself using words Castiel gave him, all 'I'm here, come get me, asshole, blah blah blah'. When the archangel appeared, standing beside the chair Deanna placed in the center of the holy oil circle, Deanna casually dropped a lit match onto it. With a _floosh_, the oil ignited, spreading flames up to Lucifer's waist in height.

It was a bit anticlimactic, really.

Lucifer looked a little surprised, turning his gaze from Deanna, who just lifted a brow in a 'whatchya gonna do about it?' motion, to Castiel who shrunk in on himself a little, to Bobby who held his hands up in the universal 'I have nothing to do with this, I don't _know_ these idjits' to Sam who just shrugged. "Impressive," he stated, still looking a little shell shocked.

Deanna grinned at him. "Sit down, take a load off." She gestured towards the chair, which Lucifer looked at for a moment before sitting down. She herself straddled the only other chair in the room and turned to face Lucifer. "Okay, so here's the plan. You and I are gonna make a deal."

"I'm an angel, Deanna," Lucifer told her, an implied 'you stupid little girl' hanging off the end of his sentence. "I don't make deals."

Sam's sister shrugged. "Give me an hour." She held up one finger. "One hour for me to convince you to not kill everyone on Earth." When Lucifer frowned at her, Deanna added, "_if_ I fail to change your mind, I'll let you out and Sammy here will say yes."

"Yea – wait, what?" Sam demanded sharply, his words echoed by Bobby and Castiel. "I'll _what_?"

Lucifer's eyebrows went all the way up to his hair line. "And if you somehow change my mind and win...?"

She smiled at him, razor sharp. "Well, we'll see."

Then, she hit play on the laptop.

Thirteen hours later, Deanna and the devil are working their way through the first season. The holy fire had long died out, leaving behind a faint smell to the room, but the two of them didn't notice it at all. They both were too busy cramming popcorn that Deanna had demanded Sam make during the fifth episode into their mouths and watching Dr Piccolo slap Dr Sexy for being a coward for not operating on the young dying mother.

Lucifer pulls his chair up a little closer to the screen. "What I don't understand is how she keeps coming back to him after all the women he slept with _while_ he's with her."

"Half the time he's an asshole," Deanna tells him, swallowing her mouthful of popcorn. "Half the time he's the best thing since hot showers and Dr Piccolo knows it. She's addicted. It's unhealthy, but he makes her happy most of the time." She shrugs. "Plus, he's blindingly hot. Shit, I'd hit it and never quit it."

Lucifer makes a sound that might have been disgust, might have been agreement. He reaches into the popcorn bowl, scowling when only seeds come up. "We're out of popcorn again."

"Sam!" Deanna screams and Sam comes running, heart in his throat, thinking that Lucifer finally got fed up. Instead of finding Deanna in a choke hold, she's holding out the popcorn bowl. "Popcorn, bitch!"

Sam snarls, snatches the bowl and storms off, swearing viciously. Deanna and Lucifer watch him leave, perplexed. After a moment, Lucifer turns back to Deanna. "How many episodes did you say their were?"

Deanna grins and points to the four thick box sets. "24 episodes per season, four and a half seasons, do the math. We could probably burn through all of them before the end of the week." She trails off a little, giving Lucifer a heavy lidded stare. "Unless you plan on destroying the world before then?"

Lucifer shakes his head absently, snatching Deanna's coke, ignoring her squeak of protest. "No thanks. Now, what happens next?"

"Patience," Deanna coos, hitting the play button and the two watch as Dr Sexy starts yelling at the dying mother's husband about just because the baby wasn't his didn't mean he could just abandon her while she died.

Deanna smiles slyly at Sam when he returns with the popcorn. _I win_, she mouths at Sam, _so I win._

_

* * *

_

Note to self: NEVER AGAIN.


End file.
